My friend and her boyfriend have recently broke up, and this made me think of my break up and how, now, it seems like it was years and years ago but in matter of fact it was a year and a half ago. So I thought I'd share what I went through and hopefully it will help you, who is going through this tough time.
When you are in a relationship you feel on top on the world, you feel like you are in utter euphoria, and especially when its your first love you have an idea of what your life will be like together you want to be in love forever as its your first time, but in all honesty this will never happen, being with your first love forever has very low success rate chances, I know this because I am no longer with my first love, and at the time the break up hurt like a bitch, I was constantly crying to the point where my eyes ached for a rest from tears, my head hurt with thought that we are no longer together, and my mind raced with fantasies where I got a text from him saying that he wants me back and wants to never let me go again, images of him showing at my front door with flowers and the biggest apology raced through my mind day in and day out, but like a fantasy it remained un real, the life I had at that moment in time was just tears, sadness and heart ache. Thoughts no one will ever love me, that I will not be able to be myself with someone else, that the only way I could be happy was with him, these thoughts consumed my life, I felt horrible for the way I was as his girlfriend, thinking if I could go back in time and change every argument, change all the times I felt insecure around him, everything I felt I did wrong I wanted to change that. And everything everyone said to me ; "it will take time" "you will find someone else" I didn't want to hear it, all I wanted was him to tell me that he loved me. I was an absolute fucking idiot, all that time I wasted for who? A dick, who broke up with me over text, because I had an argument with his 'best friend', who ruined a Halloween party for me, who made up excuses why he no longer wanted to be with me, a guy who, thinking now, was not my type at all, a knob who confessed to me he wanted me to go to a party with him because he couldn't trust himself when we were together? An absolute twat who kept me in love with him for months after we broke up by using the lines - "we will be friends" "maybe if we still have a spark we can get back together" "I still like you" - But all of this was an attempt of - lets call it 'Fish-hooking', this is where the lad fishes around with some bullshit bait to get you hooked on whatever they are saying so when his life is shit and boring he comes back to you and messes you about, but because you are hooked on whatever dick talking shit he is selling, he reels you in then he fucks off when he has got what he wanted then you are left a sobbing mess moaning to your mum, friends on how much of a twat he is.
And now a lot of time has passed and I am so glad we finished things. The relationship was a good first relationship, but it wasn't what I wanted in one, I wanted excitement, spontaneity, a feeling that we are both free souls but travelling together, and it felt more like a day in a boring classroom having all the energy drained from me from all the fights, worrying, jealously, I didn't like it towards the end. I now know what I want in a relationship and in a guy and I cannot wait for it. I know it feels like now your whole world is crashing, tumbling, crumbling and you feel there is nothing you can do about it, you feel like no one will love you, treat you right, you feel like you will be alone forever, but you wont be. There is someone out there for everyone, I am strong believer of one true loves and soul mates, and that you have to kiss many ugly frogs until your prince magically appears into your life.
Here's how I got through my break up; I wrote down two lists, one that he will miss about me and things I will not miss about him, after I wrote them I ripped them up and chucked them into the bin, I felt a whole lot better because my thoughts were wrote down and the were gone forever never to be thought or seen again. Another thing I did is I wrote a letter to him about everything I thought, everything I felt, everything I wanted to say to him, just wrote it all down, then I kept it in a draw, until a couple of months later I saw it read it and laughed at how pathetic it was how I spent all my time focused on nothing, which I could have spent doing other things, like yoga, origami, reading a book, watching films, just so much time wasted on nothing, I then put it to a bowl and burned it, I then left it outside and I felt great. It does take time, granted, and you have to be patient but you will get over him, the cliché - there's plenty more fish in the sea - is true and believe me you will find someone else, but in the mean time just work on yourself, exercise, read as many books as you want, live your life and be happy, because its your life no one can live it for you, and times passing by so we need to live life and be who we want to be, there's no point dwelling on the past, its no longer there, its gone its disappeared, focus on your present and future.
Love yours truly
KatyNells xoxo
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